It’s every lover’s dream– intense, mind-blowing orgasms that last for hours. The ultimate connection with your lover. A profound sexual experience that culminates in being at one with the Divine.
The sex is legendary– the lovers, mythical, and that’s the joy of tantric sex.
Remember Sting’s comments back in 1990 about his seven-hour tantric escapades? Eyebrows raised. And while his wife has since said it was only a boast, it left some intriguing questions about their sex life.
After all, what guy doesn’t want to be capable of pleasing his woman to the point of sexual and spiritual ecstasy?
The good news is, anyone with an open mind can do it. But tantric sex is one of the most mystical and misunderstood practices in Western culture.
The idea of sacred orgasms and bringing your lover out-of-this-world pleasure sounds like a no-brainer. But is it really that easy? What exactly is tantric sex? What are the benefits? And how can you indulge if you’d like to make it part of your sexual repertoire?
We delved deep into this captivating subject to bring you the skinny.
Table of contents
- What is tantric sex?
- What is tantric intimacy?
- What is tantric orgasm?
- I’m ready to try it. What do I need to know?
- Carve out your sacred space
- Keep your eyes open
- Go slow
- How do I have tantric sex?
- Here are a few techniques for beginners
- What are tantric postures?
- How to discuss Tantra with your partner
What is Tantric Sex?
Let’s define it: it’s a meditative sexual practice with Buddhist and Hindu origins dating back over 5000 years. ‘tantra’ is a Sanskrit word (Sanskrit is an ancient Hindu language) meaning ‘woven together’. The idea is the metaphor of weaving man and woman together through the physical body. It also relates to the concept of weaving together the physical and the spiritual.
Tantra uses the breath, as do other yogic practices, to engage mindfulness. It allows for a heightened awareness of both partners’ emotional and spiritual states during the act of lovemaking.
Tantra also embodies the metaphor of weaving the human to the divine. The practice is meant to allow couples to become one with the god-state, the act of love likened to worshiping your lover as your temple.
The act of tantric lovemaking inspires a sacred bond, by heightening intimacy to a divine level.
Tantra also increases awareness of our own bodies, our own spiritual connection to sex. Through worship of the sacred bond of love, many tantric lovers experience extreme orgasms. These orgasms are powerful, and in some cases can last for hours. This is generally the realm of experienced tantric couples, however, and it’s important to remember that prolonged orgasm is not the point of the practice.
There are a wide variety of tantric sex postures, some of which we’ll discuss a bit later on in the article, but the principles of tantra can be applied to any position.
Check out this Podcast that discusses Tantric Development for men. Ms. Hellyer discusses in depth how we can develop ourselves sexually and spiritually. It was a great primer for me personally that really helped to lay the groundwork for my own tantric journey. Totally worth an hour of your time! Listen below
What is Tantric Intimacy?
The concept of tantric lovemaking is sometimes misunderstood. Given the materialistic, often pragmatic aspects of Western culture, it can be difficult for many of us to imagine sex as being profound.
In a culture where more often than not the discussion centers around how to find time for basic sex in our busy lives, profundity often doesn’t come into it.
Yet couples who have tried tantric sex claim incredible results as far as bonding and intimacy. Tantric intimacy can not only yield sexual pleasure of unimaginable intensity; it reminds us to celebrate our partners. For many couples this worship of each other’s bodies can become almost a religion on its own.
In our busy western lives, it can be tough to remember to take the time to focus on our lovers.
Often we put productivity and even money before nurturing intimacy. The results can be devastating to our relationships. Tantric sex reminds us, in a very focused way, to check in with our lover. The results are an open heart and a deep level of understanding for our partners; an enhanced connection.
In Western culture, tantric sex is often presented as a slow-burn sexual technique where one denies or delays orgasm. It can be a tough sell in our instant-gratification society.
The idea of slowing it down and not rushing through sex can seem odd at first. Particularly for couples with busy schedules, small children, or otherwise hectic lives, it can be a challenge to find the time.
But as with anything worth having, it doesn’t take tantric couples long to realize that setting aside the time is well worth the effort. Tantric sex can turn shallow Western sex lives on their heads, reinforcing intimacy and reminding us just how sensuous touching our lover can be.
What is Tantric Orgasm?
It’s worth exploring the concept of orgasm in tantric sex, particularly as delayed orgasm can be mistaken for being the point.
It’s not. But it is an important component.
Holding off on orgasm relates to the concept of channeling sexual energy through the body, instead of releasing it through climax. Tantric couples often tout the benefits of retaining this energy as far as increased physical power and stamina- many will tell you that it feels incredible.
Achieving orgasm is far from being the main idea in tantra. Instead, the goal is to remain mindful of every sensation during the encounter, both in the context of giving and receiving.
By staying mindful and basking in the experience itself, you build intense energy and affinity for your partner. This is where the intimacy is created, where the bonding takes place.
Harnessing sexual energy is thought by many to be vital to our physical health. Sex can help regulate the stress response, and increase serotonin levels. By giving and receiving during sex, you’re not only giving your partner pleasure, you’re giving the gift of health. Nothing could be deeper or more soothing than this level of caring.
Prolonged orgasm is an art, developed over time as you get further into tantra.
Once learned, prolonged orgasm can result in multiple orgasms for both you and your partner. Many tantric lovers are able to remain in a sort of ecstatic semi-orgasmic state for long periods of time. In fact, an accomplished tantric enthusiast can remain in a state of climax for a period of several minutes to several hours.
To many people, this sounds like heaven. To others, it sounds exhausting, but taken together with the principles and reasons for both delayed and prolonged orgasm, both aspects of the practice help promote healthy sexual energy and mindful climax.
I’m ready to try tantric sex, what are some basics I need to know?
Here are a few things you’ll need to do to at the outset:
Carve Out a Sacred Space
Ultimately, you’ll need to agree on a space where you can both feel comfortable– make sure it’s somewhere private where you won’t be interrupted. Clear the space of anything that doesn’t relate to your lovemaking– everything in the area should fully support your sacred bond with no distractions.
Once you’ve cleared out any clutter, decide on anything you’d like to bring in to make the space more intimate. From sheets to cushions to rugs and candles, choose items that will enhance the mood and inspire you both to focus on connecting.
Keep Your Eyes Open
One of the fundamental aspects of going tantric is keeping your eyes wide open and observing the acts of love that take place between you and your partner. From lips to skin to the curve of a hip, our partners are truly beautiful beings and keeping your eyes open allows you to witness every joyful moment.
Many people tend to close their eyes during sex, which can detract from building intimacy and connection. When your eyes are closed, the focus is inward on your own sensations. Keeping eyes open may seem counterintuitive at first, but remembering to observe and remain attentive goes a long way toward bonding.
Becoming mindful of both your own and your partner’s breath allows you to sync with each other and forges a conscious connection. Breath is a mindfulness tool used in many yogic practices to enhance awareness.
Our breath is the most fundamental part of our existence– without our next breath, we would cease to be. Joining your breath with that of another allows you to share the most crucial aspects of your survival with your lover.
In this way, we fuse our souls through the act of breathing.
Slow, meditative movement is one of the most vital aspects of a truly rewarding tantric experience– moving mindfully as you skim your palm over your lover’s flesh lets you truly live each warm sensation.
During sex, many of us tend to be driven by our own physical sensations, rushing toward climax as fast as possible so we can ‘get off’ on the feeling.
Meditating on each movement helps build arousal, in both you and your partner, and it takes away any pressure to perform. It communicates the idea that you’ve both got time, and allows energy to build gently between you.
Focusing on the moment at hand by lingering allows you to bond fully– if your mind begins to wander (monkey mind for the experienced meditators out there!) lead it back with kindness to the lovemaking at hand.
How do I have Tantric Sex
Now that we’ve covered the basics about tantric sex, and you’ve created your sacred space, it’s time to get down to it. The first time can be clumsy– our usual urge to jump ahead to the climax and forge release can cause an awkward disconnect with our new intentions.
But if you veer off track, don’t worry– bring yourself back gently to the task at hand. Work to create an arousing, attentive experience and let the love flow between you and your partner, without rushing ahead to satisfy physical needs.
Focusing only on ourselves the opposite to tantra, the opposite to mindfulness. This can even seem like selfishness in many cases, which detracts from our loving connections. Try to keep this in mind as you move through the following exercises:
Step One: Gazing into Each Other’s Eyes
Gazing into each other’s eyes can be a highly intense experience that can be uncomfortable at first– you are, after all, gazing into one another’s soul. There may be some shyness at the outset, especially given the high level of intimacy and exposure.
The first time you try it, sit opposite each other in a physically comfortable position and keep your clothes on, at least until you get used to the sensation. Let the tension and the intimacy build between you, and revel in the connection you are forging– should you continue with tantric sex, this will be the first of many sacred contacts. Savor the moment.
Practice for ten to fifteen minutes.
Step Two: Synchronize the Breath
The next step is to synchronize your breathing. Remaining opposite each other, take a deep breath together and then exhale simultaneously. Breathe together for several moments, getting a feel for each other’s breathing patterns, and then switch to breathing opposite each other.
When one partner breathes in, the other breathes out, and vice versa. This exercise helps you get in tune with your partner’s breath and helps bond you through this the most basic yet vital physical process.
Practice for ten to fifteen minutes.
Step Three: Expose the Physical Self
Once you’re comfortable with these exercises, remove your clothes and sit facing each other with your woman on top, her legs wrapped around you. Continue to gaze into each other’s eyes as you sync your breath– begin kissing, touching and exploring each other’s bodies.
Remember to move slowly and meditate on the experience– begin your journey with sacred intention.
Practice this for as long as you are both comfortable.
Note: You don’t need to progress from clothed to unclothed in one session– take as many sessions as you both need to flow comfortably from one stage to the next.
Here are some Tantric Techniques to practice
Once you and your partner have both acclimated to tantric sex, there are several exercises you can work on to take your efforts to the next level. To prolong the ecstasy of lovemaking, try meditating on the breath at any time during the encounter– take the time to rebalance if needed by reflecting on your breathing and the sensations throughout your body.
Be mindful of how your actions and reactions are affecting both you and your partner- there’s no rush.
The following are some tantric exercises to engage in to help create a luxuriously sensual experience:
Give and Receive
During a tantric experience, the acts of giving and receiving are considered sacred, and each just as important as the other. Through the sacred act of giving we take our time and indulge our partner, giving pleasure. We connect with the spirit of selflessness and express our love for our partner through wanting to please.
In receiving, we give ourselves the gift of pleasure and enable our partners in connecting with their own giving spirit. By allowing them to pleasure us, to love us, we give them space to express all the love they have for us in their own way.
By taking turns and being mindful of the sensations in each act, each partner is able to connect with their own innate desire to please and be pleased. It is through these deep, mutual connections to the soul that intimacy is built.
Exercise: Use kisses to practice giving and receiving– set aside time to be the giver, and time to be the receiver. As the giver, take the time to explore your partner with your mouth, giving pleasure and expressing your love.
When it comes time for you to be the receiver, allow your partner to take their time kissing and exploring– remember to stay mindful of your physical sensations and give yourself wholeheartedly to both your partner and your role.
Engage in Massage
Massage is vital to tantric sex, but not just any massage. Schedule a block of time and take the time to explore your lover’s body with your touch. Remember that touch can be an art, and treat it like one. Imagine as your touch glides over your lover’s flesh that you’re giving pleasure with every cell of your being– meditate on the act of communicating your passion and devotion at every point of contact.
Exercise: Block off an hour to explore massage– for example Yoni massage, a tantric massage technique designed to allow your woman to relax and receive pleasure. ‘Yoni’ is a Sanskrit word for the vagina meaning ‘Sacred Space’ and the vagina is viewed with the utmost love and respect. Yoni massage focuses on touching a woman’s vagina without an agenda, and allows your woman to bask in the pleasure of soothing touch.
Talk about Sex, Including Taboos
Talking about sex together can lead to a truly open and uninhibited experience. By speaking explicitly about our desires we open up both to our partners and to the experience of lovemaking. To many, talking about sex in itself is considered taboo, and keeping our thoughts and attitudes toward sex private can lead to repression and a loss of self-esteem.
When we talk openly about sex we experiment with how it feels to open completely to the light, and build trust between ourselves and our partners. By including taboos in the discussion we allow ourselves to explore where our limits might be and whether we might have a particular taboo we’d like to break.
Breaking through our self-imposed limits and holding space for our partners as they explore their taboo desires is not only highly arousing, it teaches us much about our lover and ourselves.
Exercise: Consider starting a session with a conversation about taboos– by exploring our inhibitions through open communication with our lovers, we release negative energy, including shame, and open up to our sacred bond.
Take turns talking about sexual taboos, exploring ideas, attitudes and even passions. Remember to listen intently when you’re the listener, and don’t judge! It’s your job to hold space while your partner gets to know herself and gathers courage to share what they may perceive as the darkest parts of themselves with you.
What are Tantric Sex Postures?
There are a variety of tantric sex positions that optimize both the giving and receiving of pleasure. When looking for suitable positions, many people look to the Kama Sutra for inspiration– the Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text that was written to instruct men in how to have a good marriage.
As far as positions themselves, all are designed to enhance pleasure and deepen the connection between lovers.
For example, the Merger position involves the man sitting on the floor with legs out in front of him, leaning back on his hands while the woman sits on his lap facing him with her legs extended in front of her (behind the man) and leaning back on her hands.
This position is designed for slow and controlled penetration while ensuring lots of room for stroking and caressing. It’s the perfect position for a slow build of sexual energy.
The Delight is another position that allows for lots of slow exploration– in this position the man kneels by the side of a bed or chair and the woman, sitting on the bed or chair, wraps her legs around his waist so that he can penetrate her fully.
This position allows for lots of mindful touching and caressing while giving the man control over both penetration and movement.
For more information on tantric sex positions, try the Kama Sutra– people have been consulting this book for centuries!
How do I discuss Tantric Sex with my partner?
If tantric sex is something you’re interested in, getting your partner on board can be a bit daunting. With all the misconceptions Western society has about tantra, your partner may be tough to convince. When talking it over, be sure to focus on the elements of love and trust and sacred connection.
Communication is key for tantric lovers, and therefore just by starting the conversation, you’re opening you and your partner up for a deeper bond.
Start slow and gentle, moving through the exercises with clothes on– if your partner is particularly shy or worried about the intimacy, take all the time you need for her to be comfortable. Remember to be patient and understanding, and to fully hear and support everything your partner says.
Tantric sex is an ancient ritual meant not just for sex, but for creating a sacred bond and connecting man and woman, human and divine. While many have heard that tantric sex is all about prolonged orgasm and delaying gratification, these are simply two of many complex and delightful elements of the practice.
By worshiping your lover and forging strong and intimate bonds, you take your love to a realm that most lovers can only dream of. With a bit of patience and a lot of love, tantric sex can bring you and your lover bliss and satisfaction for many years to come.
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