Orgasm denial is the art of taking your partner to dizzying heights of arousal and keeping her there for a prolonged period of time. It’s a seriously erotic game of teasing, of bringing her as close to the edge of orgasm as possible without putting her over, and then stopping.
Known by several other names– tease and denial, peaking, surfing– it is fast becoming a popular activity. While practiced for years among the BDSM crowd, it changes the game so that sex is no longer about rushing ahead to orgasm. It’s about enjoying the ride.
Tease denial = prolonged, unhurried fun
The point of tease and denial is that it’s carried out over time, prolonged and unhurried, so that it becomes more about the power dynamics in the relationship than reaching orgasm. For the partner doing the teasing, it’s about getting off on the rush of power that comes from having control over the submissive partner’s release.
There is a very intense feeling of physical need on the part of the receiving partner, but that’s not the only need that arises. Often, denying sexual satisfaction brings about strong feelings of psychological need, a need to please, to give up control to their partner.
For a dominant partner, the feeling of denying orgasm can be a heady, highly arousing experience, an extreme sexual high.
For the submissive partner, it is about two very important concepts in the sexual journey. There is the rapture of submitting, but there is also the bliss that comes of slowing down sex, of becoming aware of each and every sensation in the body, every nuance of arousal.
Orgasm denial is sexual mindfulness at its most potent
It truly is an art– there are a variety of techniques that one can use to heighten a partner’s arousal to peak levels and keep them surfing the waves of desire until you’re ready to release them.
But it’s also a precarious thing– to have the sensitivity and the presence of mind to be able to sense when your partner is near and to draw back just enough to keep things going takes tremendous skill.
There are two types
Short-term involves the simple delay of your partner’s orgasm over a period of time with no promise of orgasm as the outcome.
An example of total sexual denial is the use of a chastity belt to avoid all stimulation of the genitals– by erecting a full barrier to genital touching while continuing to touch and tease or otherwise inflame a partner, arousal can reach intense levels.
It’s important to understand that orgasm denial doesn’t have to be used in bondage– the intimacy it invokes in a sexual bond can be great for any relationship, whether you’re into BDSM or not.
For those couples who are interested in trying it, there are several things to keep in mind as you begin your journey together. Denial can enhance intimacy and trust in the relationship, heighten sensation and allow for intense control over the when and how the receiving partner orgasms.
8 ways to take tease and denial to the next level
We’ve put together ten tips for teasing and denying her, both in and out of the bedroom. You can turn each of these activities into short-term denial or make it total, depending on how you like to play the game.
1. Help Her Prepare
There are plenty of opportunities to tease just by getting her ready for denial games– in order to ensure a good experience, your lover needs to know her own body. She’ll need to explore what arousal techniques work best on her, whether she responds best to toys or prefers the gentler touch of her fingers.
Encourage her to masturbate to explore her body, but don’t let her reach orgasm. Help her (hands off!) to explore enough to know where her limits are, and how much her body can take before she gets off– make sure that no matter how close she brings herself, she doesn’t climax.
Remind her to stimulate her genitals, but don’t forget other areas of her body– this is playtime. From nipples to thighs and anywhere else that feels good, encourage her to do whatever it takes to become as aroused as possible.
Remember that this process isn’t easy– its counterintuitive to everything most of us have ever learned about sex– so take your time and enjoy this exploration as a couple.
2. Talk Dirty
This is a game where you both talk about your deepest, most taboo fantasies, without orgasm.
Get dirty, get naked, stroke and tease, but don’t allow orgasm until you’re done spilling everything– she’ll be so hot, she’ll be begging for release!
3. Make it Reciprocal
Once you’ve teased her to the breaking point, make it so she has to give you an orgasm before she gets one herself– then make it tough. Tie her arms, blindfold her, do whatever it takes to make it a challenge.
Once she’s made sure you’ve climaxed, you can return the favor.
4. Set a Number of Denials
Choose a number of cycles of teasing and denial she has to make it through before you’ll allow her to climax– for example, if you’ve decided on 4 cycles, make sure you tease her until she’s ready to erupt, and then back off each and every time.
Remember– once you’ve set the expectations, show no mercy! The longer she waits for her orgasm, the stronger it’ll be.
4. Pick a Date
Pick a date on the calendar and don’t allow your lover to orgasm until that day– no falling into bed the morning of, either. Get through the day as normal, take her out to dinner, talk dirty to her. Take your time getting her to bed and when it’s finally time, she’ll be ready to explode.
5. Use Orgasm as a Reward
Depending on your relationship, there are numerous things you can set up as criteria for earning rewards points. Set out a specific number of things your lover must do to earn her orgasm– for example, a blow job is 10 points, dressing up in your favorite boots is 5 points, and so on.
Once she’s earned enough points, she’s earned an orgasm– remember not to set the bar too low! Leave lots of time between orgasms for her to simmer so things are explosive when she’s finally allowed to climax.
6. Using Physical Restraints
Physical restraints are an option that many couples enjoy using when playing teasing games.
Games involving restraints are sometimes referred to as ‘tie and tease’. Through the use of physical restraints, teasing can take place over an extended period of time, and dominant control is increased, which allows for increased intensity of arousal on both sides.
Physical restraints are not difficult to come by– you can order them online, or better yet take a trip to the local sex shop (everyone has one) together and spend some leisurely time picking them out.
7. Stream Her Fantasies
Streaming porn can be a great way get her all wound up– if she likes that sort of thing. By tying her to the bed and allowing her to watch her favorite fantasies as you tease her, you can be guaranteed that she’ll be crazy with need.
Don’t forget to touch her all over as she’s helpless to pleasure herself– and once you’re done, it’s up to you whether it’s a short-term or a total denial. You can either let her climax or you can pick a date or set a rewards system.
8. Chastity tease, buy her a Belt
There’s no more certain way to deny orgasm than this– locking her up in a chastity belt will definitely seal the deal. Tease her with kisses, stroke her body, put on an erotic video while you kiss every inch of her gorgeous body…
With a chastity belt, she’ll be guaranteed not to climax, and you get to watch her squirm.
Orgasm denial is a healthy way to explore both orgasm and intimacy together– there are numerous ways a couple can ease into this type of sexual play. Once both partners are used to playing this way, it’s a versatile tool– there are so many ways to apply the techniques to enhance your sex life.
Remember that the underlying dynamics are all about power, and be careful to support your partner by helping her to prepare. By engaging in open communication about any concerns she may have, you can use orgasm denial to enhance both your sexual connection and the way your bodies experience sex.
Negotiating before you play as far as what activities are acceptable is also a good idea, and if you’re using restraints, you may want to set a ‘safe’ word so she can signal the end of the game if she needs to.
Remember to play by the rules and respect your bond– make it easy for her to trust you and you’ll drive her crazy with desire. After all, there’s nothing quite as potent as being mindful of every delicious sensation that takes over your body, and denial games are a great way to increase stimulation!
- Sex Ed 101: How to dominate her in the bedroom
- Urethral sounding, one of my favorite kinks
- My favorite breast play techniques, here