Most folks don’t realize that Amazon has a HUGE selection of crazy weird sex toys catering to all genders, personalities and persuasions. Almost anything wacky you can think of is available on their site. There’s even more you never knew existed!
Best of all, imagine the “ooohs” and “ahhhs” you’ll get when you show this post to those painfully dull co-workers at your office. As a matter of fact, that’s where I got my inspiration for this article!
Are these “toys” kinky enough for you?
- A trans sexual sex doll? Check.
- A life size replica of a horse cock? Check.
- A three foot tall penis/coat rack? Check.
Yes, all of these (and more) can be purchased discreetly from Amazon and available on your door step in a couple of days. Let’s get right to it!
- Mr. Ed Anatomically Correct Horse Penis Dildo
- Sexflesh Moby 3 Foot Tall Super Dildo
- Doc Johnson’s “The Fist”
- Sexflesh Tranny Terri Love Doll
- Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Face Blonde
- Realistic Feet Fetish Male Masturbator
- The F-Machine
- Rectal Speculum
- The Bottle Rocket – Prince Albert Urethral Sound
- Wrapping up
- Recommended reading
Mr. Ed Anatomically Correct Horse Penis Dildo
Yeah, you read that headline correctly. You can bring a piece of American television history into your bedroom for some weird sexy time. Huge, oversized dildos are really a thing.
It’s a full 15 inches long…and anatomically correct. Crazy? Kinky? I want it? I’ll let you decide. Where is Mr. Hands when we need him?
You can see it on Amazon, here.
Sexflesh Moby 3 Foot Tall Super Dildo
This one is crazy expensive at over $500. But think of all the fun you could have with it! You could put it in the front yard to keep those pesky neighbor kids away. It would also make a lovely coat rack for the living room. Imagine the jealousy your family and friends would feel the next holiday as they hang their jacket and scarf on it.
Check out this video. All I can say is…LOL
Technically this isn’t a kinky sex toy. But since it looks exactly like Andre the Giant’s dong, I just had to include it.
The only thing needed to complete the package would be to include the model shown in the picture. See it on Amazon, here.
Doc Johnson’s “The Fist”
So you like a fist in your pussy or ass, eh? Well, meet the “The Fist” from sex toy manufacturer Doc Johnson. At 14 inches long and a maximum circumference of 7.3 inches, this one will certainly fill you up. I dunno…this one looks kinda creepy. But hey, whatever floats your boat!
My only question is: why isn’t it called The ARMADILLO? See it on Amazon, here. It has a large number of positive reviews from customers, so it must be decent.
Sexflesh Tranny Terri Love Doll
If you like cock, balls and boobs all attached to the same doll, look no further. With size D tits, an 8 inch dildo and a puckered asshole, all the kinky bases are covered. Now all you need is a head! Ok, wait, see #6, below.
Transgender sex toys are…interesting.
If you decide to give this one a go, make sure to pick up some lube and toy cleaner. I suspect you’ll need it. See it on Amazon, here.
Pipedream Extreme Fuck My Face Blonde
This would be a great way to spice up Tranny Terri, which was #5 on our list. I’m a freak when it comes to sex dolls, torsos and asses; but this girl is kinda hot and spooky all at the same time. If face fucking is your thing, this blondie will certainly be able to swallow every load you deliver. And she won’t complain…not even once.
See her on Amazon, here.
Realistic Feet Fetish Male Masturbator
I’ll admit it. I have a foot fetish. Not to fuck a foot, necessarily. Just to touch them. Lick them. Caress them. Women’s feet are glorious; just another sexy part of their heavenly bodies.
If you have a foot fetish, this quick vid will certainly get you in the mood
With all that said, if you don’t have a woman around the house, this is the next best thing. On one ankle there is an asshole. One the other, a vagina. And since it’s a sex toy, you don’t have to worry about dipping back and forth between holes. Your real girlfriend may not like it, but this toy doesn’t care one bit.
Read more about it on Amazon, here.
The “F” stands for FUCK. And this sex machine is certainly NOT for the feint of heart. It plugs into a standard 110v US electrical outlet and comes with an 8 inch dong attachment.
BONUS: it’s compatible with all Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock toys. If you already have a collection of these, you’re in business!
I honestly believe this could be a really good time, although I’d be nervous about that crazy big dong thrusting too far up my tender ass pipe. Read more about it here, on Amazon.
I debated for an hour about whether I should include this device on our weird sex toys list, since it’s really intended for medical purposes. However, since I often see these things in doctor/nurse and patient porn, there is a sexual aspect as well. If you wanna take a deep peek into the bowels (literally) of your partner’s nether region, this will assist you on your kinky journey.
Eight inches of cold, hard stainless steel spreading your butt hole to the maximum. Sound intriguing? Read more about it on Amazon, here.
The Bottle Rocket – Prince Albert Urethral Sound
Prince Albert? Urethra? What the hell is this nonsense? Well…it’s basically a polished stainless steel tube that you shove into your dick. Then, there’s a little screw or cross bar that comes with it. You assemble the two together. HOWEVER, assembly requires you to have a hole in the under side of your cock. Hence the term Prince Albert Piercing. Ouch!
Read more about the Bottle Rocket, here, on Amazon. Or learn more about the piercing process, right here.
No, I’m not talking about wrapping your partner in shrink wrap before sex. Rather, this marks the end of a rather enjoyable post. I had a great time writing it. I hope you has just as much fun reading it.
Remember folks, there’s a big wide world out there. And it’s filled with naughty, sometimes devious, sex toys for any pleasure or fetish. You don’t have to scour the dark corners of Google to find them, either. They’re available by the thousands at the largest retailer on the planet, Amazon. So get out your credit card and put your kink face on. It’s go time.
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